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Flavors of Evil: What is Anarchism?

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The term “anarchy” deserves a lot more hate than the hacks in mainstream media have been giving them. As all the evidence has shown, people should be equating anarchy with chaos, destruction, and other ills that undermine civilized society. These monsters do horrific things like supporting mutual aid and voluntary support networks! These idiots think they can organize and offer their brand of “helping” people without getting it approved by Congress first, and not a single regulator or oversight committee involved.  They are even naïve enough to think that people still read; sneaking little pamphlets like “The Conquest of Bread” and “Anatomy of the State” into our public libraries! 

Not only are they fools, but they’re also evil. They devilishly suggest our fine police forces should use less force with citizens (citizens, mind you, that were clearly up to no good if the police stopped them). They even go as far as saying we should play nice with non-citizens as well, and treat them like real people. The audacity of these demons. Anarchists are nothing more than chaos-loving degenerates that openly and actively become involved in anti-war messaging, volunteering, public education, and fighting against the beloved Law and Order that sustains us all. 

The first step in stopping these reprobates is to understand them. Unlike our traditional enemies (the poor, foreigners, etc) they aren’t just one nameless mass. There are more subsets of anarchism than there are delegations in respectable organizations like the Democrats or Republicans. They’ve found a way to use both collectivism AND divide and conquer tactics against us. The anarchists somehow bring both diversity of thought and approach to the imagined problems of society, like homelessness or the war on drugs (which we’re clearly already winning). It’s an insidious tactic that lets their movement examine and utilize a wide variety of ideas, without following the necessary traditions of conformity and ideological homogeneity. Make no mistake, we are definitely at war with these haters of our beloved state. We must know our enemy, so let’s discuss a few of the different “philosophies” that create anarchy:

Anarcho-communism: This is everything you hated about the USSR, Cuba, and China made toothless. They believe in standard communist ideas such as the abolishment of private property, capitalist norms, wage labor, social hierarchies, and forcibly taking businesses from their rightful owners. However, they take it a step farther believing that their governing body can be organized horizontally rather than top-down. Direct democracy replaces elected or chosen representatives. They want to turn vulnerable megacorporations into “commonly owned means of production.” Luckily, people like buying stuff and want mansions. So we don’t need to worry about these people too much.

Anarcho-capitalism: Imagine America, but all of our cops had slogans on them like NASCAR drivers. That’s what this brand of anarchism wants. They think the market would work better in serving us if the expertly selected restrictions that lobbyists paid congressmen to enact were removed. They want social aid, emergency services, and every other modern amenity made possible by our benevolent government; but claim the government is the worst vehicle for managing these services. They have the audacity to suggest that taxation is theft or extortion. Obviously, we wouldn’t have roads if it weren’t for the government so these clueless wannabe pirates can also be ignored.

Mutualism: Now imagine the two above decided to have a deformed baby. Not that the baby came out deformed, but it was deformed by design. Welcome to mutualism. Mutualism advocates socialist ideas like occupancy and use norms for property ownership, free association, and the labor theory of value, while also advocating things like free markets and central bank lending (called a “mutual bank” but why split hairs?). You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Next.

Anarcho-Syndicalism: This is really just unions that decided to take PCP. The Syndicalists believe that they can practice a form of counter-economics through the use of direct action and cooperative takeovers of the means of production. They think that by banding together through revolutionary unionization and empowering workers to self-manage they can control the economy, ending the wage system. Have you ever met a union steward? Putting those guys in charge would be hilarious.

Anarcha-Feminism: This exotic brand of anarchist isn’t often seen in the wild, but beware of close encounters. Often volatile and unyielding, they fight for imaginary concepts like human rights and creating an ‘equal ground’ between the genders with the blind dedication of dragons guarding their horde of gold.The daughters of the bra-burners decided to show up at an Antifa event. Expectations vary, depending on time of the month.

Anarcho-Primitivism: Have you ever been camping? These guys want this to be our everyday lives. Anarcho-primitivists believe that the industrial revolution and general advancement of civilized society resulted in widespread coercion, social alienation, and damage to us as free creatures. To learn about this, I had to use my smartphone to find websites that support these ideas.

Black-Flag Anarchy: These are the original villains. They don’t subscribe to any particular philosophy of anarchy so long as it’s anarchy and fights against hierarchies and the existence of a state. They don’t get bogged down with the specifics of different economic systems. They care more about the immediate abolishment of the state, the self-management of the people, and equality of all people. Black-flag anarchists are so anarchist that even their ideological stances are ruled by chaos. Truly an evil to be feared.

Egoists: A type of individualist anarchist created by Max Stirner, they think things like morals, justice, and our values are all “spooks of the mind” and can be ignored. They believe social constructs aren’t real and that we need to move from basing our actions and societies on these constructs. According to these narcissists, moral people ought to act in their own self-interest. At some point, Max must have heard a kid scream “I don’t wanna, you can’t make me!” And thought he could make a book out of it. 

Anarcho-transhumanism: If these guys win, cyberpunk dystopias will become a reality. They want to move away from our current social and governance systems and believe we will naturally move away from these things as technology advances. Those dedicated to this fever dream think we can create global prosperity by giving each other mutually beneficial technologies. That by sharing, this hippy mumbo-jumbo will expand each person’s ability to experience the world around them. It’s like they watched Star Trek and didn’t realize the borg were the bad guys. Yikes.

Unfortunately, these are just a few of the “philosophies” these agents of discord use to paint themselves with a veneer of authenticity. Anarchists’ grip seems to be ever widening, and diversifying. With their protests, propaganda, and continuous “fight” against the status quo; they are clearly our most dangerous enemy. How can we compel others to live and think as we do without the government? How can we support people who cry about racism and resist the police, some of which aren’t even white! Sure, sometimes the state does something bad like putting rights into bills, or the equal pay act. But overall, we need the government to keep things exactly as they are right now. You don’t fix what isn’t broken, and our government surely isn’t broken. They told me so. 

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